*counting faces*
OH MY GOD! what a month! now, i finally have the time to sit around and blog about my roller-coaster life. it is interesting, joyous, exhilarating, intriguing, emotional, depressing, discouraging, yet anticipating and hopeful! it is just simply fantastic. my mood is constantly fluctuating with the different events that occured or everything i had encountered in the past month. therefore, it is deserving of its name: my roller-coaster life.
my roller-coaster life begun in mid-april when the intensives for the SYF started. practice! practice! practice! we had yet to condition ourselves to the competition mode. almost everybody played the pieces without any passion. what we had were tired mind body and soul.
we faced the greatest pressure in expectations. in self-expectations, the expectations of the teachers, the school and the alumni. we have to uphold our reputation. this is enough to stress everyone out. it cripples everytime we do not play well. this is the depressing and discouraging part. 'not good enough' seems to be a spirit that haunts and you'll shiver and crumble. at least it does for me. for a few others with a strong heart, the supposedly discouragements in my eyes turn into motivation--a driving force which pushes them further.
really, sometimes, i have to admit that it is true that people react differently to a same situation. i am more pessimistic. sad to say.
these are one of my darkest days, where i am stressed up to the brim that tears flowed uncontrollably. tear duct= tap.
my roller coaster life turns itself 360 degrees. the kind that will make you puke and scream you head off. this is an extremely truthful recount as we really did scream our head off when the results are released.
huang lao shi is right. smile to give your comrades confidence. we are together not alone. it boosts confidence. and it works like magic. huanglaoshi is forever right.
we went up the stage, focused yet enjoying the music that we made..literally the music that we made: "wo men zhi zhuo de yin yue". we are there to showcase our talents and put together our best performance. every beat, every second, is symbolic of all our hard work and effort. i really cannot describe in words the amount of effort we placed as a group. we flowed with the music, we immersed ourselves into the world without words, in a world where music reigns and is the language. we believed deeply in huanglaoshi and stayed calm. nervousness maybe present in some, but we believe the jitters push us to be more careful and more serious in the act. we loved OUR MUSIC. OUR CONFIDENCE. which huanglaoshi calls it "xiao xin de zi xin". careful confidence--the direct translation if you want.
it was really the NEVER FELT BEFORE. the feeling was novel, exhilarating and it devoured us. we were so absorbed. i was sooo proud of everyone.
we really have to thank our teachers, our seniors, huanglaoshi, the exco and one another. hey, i am not diplomatic here, but after a particular incident, i really feel the impact of co being built on such strong foundations, such strong grounds.
mr lim: anderson junior college...rong.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
needless to explain right?
my roller coaster ride becomes rocky when i faced a confrontation. which i reacted badly as usual and made the situation worse. speechless then.
i realised that my joy seems to be to over-the-top and my excitement seemed offensive to my very very good friend whom i knew worked very hard for her CCA but did not get the desirable results.
i was being insensitive and unthinking. i was deeply affected and went ranting the entire day.
only till dinnertime when i had the chance to calm myself down and reflect did i find myself ridiculously mean and unfeeling. i didn't want the friendship to end.
i apologised.
sometimes, i really feel like slapping myself awake because my character flaws are soo evident.
Another reason to really slap myself
i made another friend angry AGAIN.
imagine. peaceful dinner at kfc turning into a heated argument and swan walks off.
and it's all because of tan. i mean, it's not even us.
but now you see why i really feel like slapping myself sometimes after everything occured.
an excerpt of the should-not-have-been-there conversation.
swan: so you think very good lah, understand tan so well. why you always siding her.
me:no....(right answer) yes.....(wrong answer). yes. not i siding her but she wants the best for us.
swan: so you think you are always right lah?
me, possibly deranged: yes. i am always right.
why do i have to be so adamant and irritating and didactic and rude. perhaps a 'i guess that's me'?-- sounds so irresponsible and unthinking.
stunningly, it is really not about us. as in we are not even the subjects of concern.
i apologised again only to receive hostility. i sent again. no reply.
i was afraid..is our friendship really going to end because of this. it is so not going to suffer.
mon. did not attend school.
IS SHE STILL ANGRY?
i decided to send another sms to settle our disputes. no reply. finally. finally. finally. i received a sms which explicity spelled that she was not mad at me already.
doesn't it call for celebration???
IT is really time for me to change:)
LASTLY IT'S VERY-SMART-CHEM-TEACHER. again. shall dedicate one post to him. he really does seem to have a flair for making others mental and unnerved.
all hail,
counting faces
"You leave me SPEECHLESS, when you talk to me."
06:03
06:03
this is counting faces. i am in antarctica? maybe, alaska. or maybe africa? unimportant. i am just another human trying so hard to achieve goals! important. and don't worry. i won't worship mammon but i will twist it. so all can and will benefit. this is my true cause. so don't ever try to know me.